exhaustion

I missed three days of "work" last week because I contracted cellulitis. I was told to stay off my feet (and take antibiotics) or I would be in the hospital with an IV drip for a week. I still don't feel great -- mad at myself cuz my body is betraying me -- mad at myself cuz I might have caught this by not protecting myself (I didn't wear socks as required one night on call). Nervous too cuz this "disease" is something diabetics get frequently, and I don't want to be a diabetic!

Things at home are strained. Most of the time, my kids have been great -- together and with others and with each other. Tonight, however, they are picking on each other and driving me bananas. It's difficult to live in this house that isn't mine, and play by others' rules -- challenging in the best of times, but with the heat (no A/C) and how tired I've been from work and the sickness, it's just a lot. Never mind that I worry about my mother's health and mortality, and my own health now seems to be failing.... It's going to be a long summer and I think we will all be glad when it's over.

The hospital work is really rewarding and most of the time I love it. I even think I am kind of good at it. Not sure it is something I want to do for the long haul, but I could handle it for awhile -- it would be interesting to see how different chaplaincy is in other hospital environments. I think God is good and we all got the floor/unit assignments we needed to get. I have been really happy and stretched by mine.

Big difficulty this week is 2 cousins in a car crash -- one is brain dead (age 17) and one is in ICU. One wore his seatbelt, and one didn't. The family is large and there are many players. This happened on Saturday, so when I came back to work on Monday, all kinds of relationships had been established at lots of decisions had been made. I felt like an interloper trying to get in on some of the action. So far I have not met with any family members; none have been on the unit with the seatbelt-wearing cousin -- all are huddled in the room with the non-seatbelt-wearer -- and that is not my unit. It's been strange to try to get into this drama that has already unfolded so far. I feel like a fish out of water in this instance -- don't want to make a grieving family go through all the details again....not sure where they are emotionally/spiritually.... I guess I don't have the energy....

I'm even too tired to write much more. Early to bed, early to rise....

on call again

One day on, one day off, then on again. I slept about 3.5 hours mid-day on Friday, after sleeping 1.5 hours Thursday night -- then I got up and stayed awake for a bit, then went back to bed at 9 p.m. Up again at 5-ish, and here to work another 24-hour shift by 7:30 a.m. I'm not too tired, but this on-call Saturday is diametrically opposed to my Thursday. I have yet to receive one page. So far, so good (knock wood, literally). I've done all my referrals -- seen several patients -- and have made PA announcements on 11 floors inviting patients to church in the chapel tomorrow morning. If I'm not too tired, I may either stay for it myself (I get off at 8 a.m.) or check out the local Presbyterian churches in town -- I understand there are 2 -- one conservative and one liberal. Hmmmm. Wonder if I could tell the difference between them

Every now and then I bump into patients' families around the hospital. They give me a little update of how their family member is doing -- it's nice to feel a little connected in this non-congregational setting. I'm thinking of sending a sympathy card to the couple who lost their only child in an auto accident... My supervisor says it's OK if a particular case touched you, but I don't want to be crossing any boundaries, and I certainly don't want to be a hospital spokesperson (sad we have to think of this). Also, one of the points of CPE is that you learn to let go -- that people leave and you don't get a chance to say goodbye, literally and figuratively. Something we deal with our whole lives long, the reality of parting, on good terms and not such good terms. Bummer.

Not much else new. Thinking of cutting my hair and donating it to Locks of Love if they will take it. It's supposed to be 10" long; and they say you can straighten out curly hair to reach the 10", so I think I'm good.... Father's Day tomorrow -- got Dad a card and a gift -- the card sentiments took some shopping.... Couldn't quite find one that says, "Dad, you don't act like you love me, but Mom says that you do, and I realize you'll always be my father and I'll always be the executrix of your will, because you wouldn't trust anyone else..." Kind of loses something as it goes on, doesn't it? Ai dios mio! Ciao for now.

On Call

I am the last of my group to work an overnight on call -- I was supposed to be first, but had to switch due to a family wedding last Saturday. That on call was very busy, I heard; hopefully this one will be quiet. I have called a priest from outside the building (not on the hospital staff) because a wife requested it for her husband who is having heart surgery tomorrow. The regular on-staff priest is on vacation this week, but he generally doesn't come at night anyway. So the priest is coming in about 20 mins. and I want to go meet him and watch him do his schtick (sacrament of the sick). I got to bless a dying woman yesterday before she was extubated. I don't think I did it very well, but the family seemed satisfied. It was a learning experience for me.

So far it is pretty quiet, but I did work through dinner (stupid me, didn't realize the cafeteria closes at 8 p.m. -- and I was visiting patients all that time) -- and the hospital pays for your meals when you're on call! Oh, well. Had 2 calls to the emergency department this afternoon, which ate up a lot of my patient-visiting time -- but I got to sit with a man who rode in the ambulance with his brother, and I got to feel more comfortable down there.

I gave devotions at morning meeting today -- read from Henri Nouwen -- and folks told me they liked it, but my supervisor told me to leave my Christology at home! Ooops. We are supposed to be multi-faith (even though everyone in the room was a Christian -- the Jewish chaplain was not in today), so I am to not mention JC so much (at all). I'll know for next time....

I'm having a tough time living at home with my folks (and they are having a tough time living with me), but we will get through it. I just have to keep my mouth shut and leave the room when conflict is brewing! Argh. I knew this would be hard, but knowing it and living through it are two different things. It's actually nice to spend a night away!

lazy Sunday

With no church service attended. Skews my week -- feels weird. Went to a family wedding yesterday, so have been in a church this weekend at least -- was a nuptial (RC) service, but not a mass. Nice homily about marriage being like a dance.... Good to see the husband and kids, but kind of an exhausting day catching up with them and visiting with the entire extended family. Started to have a theology discussion with a self-proclaimed atheist cousin, but others at the table discouraged us. Too bad.

Finished my first week visiting with patients. Friday was an exhausting/stressful afternoon. 64-year-old man with a brain injury -- probably will not survive -- wife ready to "let him go" but awaiting word from the doctor (she didn't leave the hospital for about 48 hours!) -- I am the family's advocate and some of the medical staff is saying they have to attend to the patient, and they have no time for the family. I wanted to help more -- I would have done more if they medical staff would have enabled/empowered/educated me. Shared some of that in weekly supervision. Supervisor just listened and let me wrestle with my feelings. I am eager to see how this man made it through the weekend, or if he did....

I find that I am praying in my spare time for all of the patients I see each day. I think my prayers are appreciated in patients' rooms, but I still feel called to pray more when I leave them. I go into the hospital chapel when I can to pray as well. Highlights of this week have been the grieving mother who thanked me and complimented me for being the one to tell her her son had died; also the flowers (long-stemmed roses!) I received from a back surgery patient in thanks for my healing prayers with her were a highlight. I've been thinking of two of my younger peers who worked 24 hours each over Saturday and Sunday -- will be interesting to hear how they made out....

Need to go do some reading and get my mind back to the hospital work ahead of me next week (tomorrow). Have two 24-hour shifts ahead of me this week! Yikes! Today was full of saying goodbye to my family, neatening up a bit, napping, and watching mindless TV. A walk around the neighborhood would be good, if the mosquitoes aren't out and after me....

seeing patients

Yesterday was the first day seeing patients on the hospital floors for which I am responsible. I went around with my attending (full-time, paid chaplain) and learned the "drill" as well as the computer charting system. Prayed with an intubated woman (and her daughter and son-in-law) who couldn't talk. It was frustrating to her and us but I think we gave her some help. Also spent a lot of my afternoon time with the family of a young man who crashed his motorcycle and was not wearing a helmet (CT does not have a helmet law). I slept really well last night -- exhausted from the rush of the day, but also comfortable, finally, after knowing I can talk to patients and families. I can do this, and I'm OK on my own.

Today, the family of the motorcycle crash victim decided to discontinue life support. In one way, I was amazed at how detached I was: I could look at this man and not be grossed out, but I also didn't feel I needed to compare his story to mine (like my husband would never do that, or I have a 7-year-old just like he does, etc.). I think I was fully present for his family. I even prayed with his mother today, after his death, and she ended up complimenting me on my manner with her. She thanked God that I was the one to be with her (and this is a Roman Catholic family -- so the priest administered anointing/the sacrament of the sick, and prayed with them, but they felt comfortable with me as a counselor). It was a tough day, in a way, but also a successful one.

Then in "group" today, all of us summer CPE chaplains did a little sharing for about 90 mins. One of us got "beaten up" pretty badly by the others of us, though I stood up for (took the side of) the "beatee" -- we went to lunch together afterwards.... It shocks me again and again in this loving, spiritual community, how mean we can be to one another, and how judgmental, after we set our first ground rules of no attacking and showing respect. I am learning to keep my mouth shut.... This is what worries me most about the students I am in seminary with. I hope they can be pastoral and not judgmental.

I'm not feeling so great so I think I am heading to bed. More later. This will be an interesting summer!

hospital chapel worship

Today I went back to the hospital for worship in the chapel. Arrived in time for the 9:30 a.m. Roman Catholic mass (which was nice), and the 10:15 a.m. Protestant service (which was non-existant). Interesting, about 15 RC's attended -- patients and staff alike (paid and volunteer) -- and there was a poignant moment during prayer requests when one young mother asked us to pray for her son, "who was born too soon." I did not take communion; would have been interesting to see if the priest would have refused me, as he knows I am not RC, but I did not want to push the envelope (story of my life!). Then I met another hospital chaplain, who was to lead the Protestant service, but after 10 minutes, no one had come (and no one had signed up to come, as patients usually do, especially since many need help getting to the chapel) -- worship was cancelled and all 3 of us chaplains (including my supervisor) went home. Oh, well. They say 6 or 7 in Protestant worship is a good number. Don't know why I feel I have to count.... Also thought about how I would feel after planning worship, if nobody came.... Realistically probably just as glad to have the free time, but would also like not to take it personally. My uncle the doctor told me this afternoon that some patients will yell, "Get out!" when I attempt to go into their rooms; that I also need to learn not to take personally.

Big news at home last night/today was the falling down of a closet clothes rack. My folks each have a closet of their own, and they have each appropriated a closet in each of the other bedrooms (lots of clothes -- which I guess is a good thing if you are easy on your clothes/don't wear them out, and if you stay the same size...). But it really stressed mom out, cuz she knew dad would have to repair it -- so I moved the clothes around and tried to get mom to calm down. Dad did fine with the repair, and now we are assessing each outfit (I mean, mom has easily 5 times as many clothes as me!) before we return it to the closet or relegate it to the attic (even more clothes storage there!). Anyway, there's an issue of some clothes that no longer fit her, are too big for her (since she lost the weight with the cancer/chemo) that she's hanging onto for me, in case I get small enough to wear them.... Trying not to make this about me! Off to do some more reading before we start seeing patients tomorrow. Did my learning covenant on Saturday, which is not due until Tuesday, so that's something! Later.

clowns!

Forgot to mention yesterday the clowns we saw at the entrace to the children's pavillion -- they were wonderful! They walked past us new interns/students; one said, "How are ya? How ya doin'? How are ya? How ya doin'?" The other said, "Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor." to the six of us. We were all really laughing. It was like a Three Stooges bit. Don't know if they crack the kids up, but they sure cracked us up!

Also thought it was interesting that we had no prayers yesterday -- none as we began the program, and none when we had lunch together with the whole staff. A few of us students remarked upon it privately when we were together again -- I suppose one of us could have/should have offered to lead a prayer....although, with a diverse staff there, we newbies might have been hard pressed to pray in a generic manner....

We did have prayer today at the conclusion of morning meeting. The chaplain supposed to lead the meeting (and the concluding devotions) was on call during the meeting, so our supervisor suggested a silent prayer, and then she prayed for us as a group. That felt appropriate.

I have been assigned to the NICU (neurological ICU), step-down unit, and orthopedics -- so that will be interesting. We got our on-call schedules -- it'll be an interesting and exhausting summer.

Have been thinking about the Lutheran woman who lost her baby at 21 weeks (disclosed at morning meeting as "fetal demise"). One tough story after another....easy for me to offer up prayers for so many of those I've come across in the past two days!