me and judgment

Judgment is a heavy issue for me -- always -- why would now be an exception? I think I don't feel of value, or good enough myself, so I feel better if I think worse of others, cuz surely I am better than them. This all comes from being adopted and feeling abandoned and needing to prove myself. That's me in a nutshell from years of experience, insight, and a little therapy.

Well here I am in seminary, and for starters, some of the students, professors, staff (you name it) are awful people. Here's my other heads-up: big surprise, they're human! I know that at a cognitive level, but in my gut/soul (take your pick), I feel like they should all be wearing halos and be perfect. Though I'm taking Christology this semester and our fully divine and fully human savior, Jesus the Christ, was neither sinless or perfect, I'm learning (though I think it's all a matter of spin, that's another topic for another day).

Today my judgment came from (or was directed at) a friend in the computer lab. She was in Bible Works (the software program we use for many things) and I asked her to print me out the text we were studying in Hebrew in our next class together. She was really flustered, and irritated at me, cuz she was slaving over the Hebrew homework and didn't even want to take the time to talk to me, let alone do me a favor. I have no printer at home, so I print this stuff at school in the computer lab. She did it finally and grudgingly and incorrectly -- so later I went back to the lab and printed it again for myself, and was 5 mins. late to class. Now, the wrinkle/judgment here comes from the fact that the homework is neither taken up nor graded and the class is an open forum discussion. If you feel like talking, you do -- if not, you don't -- this is a working document to use in class. So I don't know what bothered her or where her pressure comes from. So that said, I must be better than her since I have a more realistic (health?) outlook on my school work. I also tend to get B's (well, some A's) and she gets A's. [Maybe I'm naturally smarter and just lazier -- I have already been telling people I work as hard as I want to....] She buys the recommended reading; I buy only the required reading. She has money and I don't. There are so many levels for me to attack her on!

Ah, well. My other gripe du jour is that I have 2 professors who read their lectures. Really disconcerting. I expect more from this level of education, a school of this reputation. I know they have a lot in their heads rolling around, and they don't want to forget to give us any and every little nugget -- but then the printed transcripts would suffice.... I also resent it when class runs 10 mins. long -- wrecks the whole rest of my tightly scheduled day....

OK, 'nuff for now -- need to get on again soon to write more about field ed. Good stuff happening there. Learning a lot from unlikely places. Off to watch TV from 10 - 11 p.m., then will tackle Hebrew and my field ed learning/serving covenant.

busy week

This week I became a candidate, under care of Presbytery, a student more certain of my call as I pursue becoming Minister of Word and Sacrament. I actually prepared nothing to go before Presbytery (aside from a short e-mailed bio that morning), because I was leading worship at the Presbytery meeting and I was preparing for classes at seminary to begin the next day. Some members of Presbytery asked some thoughtful questions, and everyone said I answered them well, so here we are!

My 2nd Sunday of field ed is tomorrow, and I met with my field ed supervisor today. We shared some of our life stories, and I think I will really like working with her. I think I can learn a lot from her. Another friend, who always seems to be concerned over what I share with her, is not so certain this is the right placement for me, or that I will learn the right things or have enough experience there. Amazing how she can come to that judgment knowing almost nothing. She's laid eyes on my supervisor, and she's been to the church once for 15 mins., and even if I gush about how things are happening, she puts a negative spin on everything and feels the need to counsel me. Friends like this I need to either spend less time with or not share as much with. Once before I told her it would be good if she just listened to me and didn't give me advice, which she acknowledged at the time but didn't incorporate into future dealings with me.

My first full week of school will begin next Monday. This past week was short -- Weds. - Fri., so I've only had 1 meeting of some classes, and 2 of others. Should be an interesting semester: Hebrew exegesis, systematic theology II, Greek, preaching, Christology, and field ed. Not singing in the choir -- bummer. I will miss it but I had to cut something somewhere.

My family is driving me right round the bend. My husband says he hopes this year won't be as stressful as last year -- amazing to me cuz I don't think last year was stressful -- how did I communicate to him that it was? It's like getting a bad appraisal at the end of the year, and not knowing during the year that you could have made some changes. If I made his life stressful last year, he sure never told me! And my 15-year-old hates me (2 days ago) and (2 mins. ago) wants to know what's going on in my life because she cares about me! Hard to stay on the right page. Real see-saw of emotions.

Mom's brain surgery last Weds. went well -- scar tissue removed -- no sign of cancer. I have talked to her 2 days in a row and she sounds good (for someone who just had major head trauma!) -- better every day. This takes a load off my mind in regards to cutting class and skipping field ed to go visit her -- not as much of an immediate need. Thank God!

I feel tired and dried out. Think I will do some pre-church reading (field ed assignment) and maybe watch a little "Out of Africa" -- video loaned from a friend. Will be fun to see Kenya -- saw this movie long ago, before I'd been there. Sent 4 envelopes full of photos to Kenyan friends today -- answered a few Kenya emails -- so Kenya's been on my mind. Time for another trip!

field ed

Yesterday was my first day of field ed -- I will worship in that church for the rest of the academic year. I like my assignment and my supervisor, so I am really looking forward to it.

Interesting things happened yesterday: first I was "hustled" (so says my husband) by a young white man on the exit ramp from the high way on my way to church. He flagged me down, said his car was stranded up on the highway and he had no cell phone or money and couldn't get out of this town (in which no one spoke English, according to him). As usual, I had no money, and told him so, and he asked for even change to make a phone call. I ended up giving him $0.35 -- all I had in a change cup. I hope that was helpful. I don't think I was hustled; why would he pick that exit ramp, in a relatively "dead" part of town, and on a Sunday morning expect to do "well" financially? I didn't see any other cars around -- and only one other pedestrian down another street... Wondered what an ordained pastor would do in my circumstance? Wonder if race had anything to do with my willingness to stop? Wonder, if his intentions were less than honorable, if it would have made a difference if I had said "I'm on my way to church"?

Then I got to the church just before 10:00 a.m., put on some dry skin lotion and mascara in the car, and made it into the prayer room (library) about 10:05. Enjoyed quieting and centering myself while praying, and meeting the prayer leader (who said I was "connected" to God -- interesting my seminarian status provided that). She and I were alone for most of the half-hour, but the pastor popped in briefly for a corporate prayer and a song. It was interesting to hear the pastor's beautiful (almost formally trained) voice, and hear songs/hymns sung acapella, some I knew, some I didn't know, some even they didn't know all the words to and we just hummed. The pastor told me later that St. Augustine said that those who sing pray twice.

Then the pastor pulled me out of prayer to collate and staple the bulletins (six 8.5x11 pages!) and the litany for the 9/11 remembrance (three pages). So it felt immediately like I was working in church. That was good. Also the pastor had only emailed me the NT scripture I was to read the night before -- because I called and asked -- pastor said she figured I would call eventually -- I like/admire the informality and laid-back-ness (is that a word? certainly not) -- could learn that lesson a bit more about letting go and knowing enough of "it" (whatever) will get done, and done right.... I was not even told to bring my bible, and one was not provided to me (of course I was concerned which translation they would wish me to read from), but I did bring mine; I guess it goes without saying that a seminary student would always have a bible with them.... There are pew bibles randomly placed throughout the sanctuary, but I didn't know that before worship.

All I did in worship was read the gospel, but I enjoyed participating. Love the multimedia approach with the praise songs on a screen -- love the glorious photos the most -- it's not really my preferred type of worship (maybe now I'm showing my age, or maybe just my history of experience), but it's done so well and with such enthusiasm, and I'm familiar with it having worshipped there probably half a dozen times before -- so I enjoyed it.

Then we gathered outside the church around the "peace pole" put in this summer at the end of VBS -- that required climbing over a wrought iron fence to get to the church lawn -- not everyone in the congregation was able or chose to do it.... We read the litany of remembrance in honor of those who died in the September 11, 2001 attack on the World Trade Towers, Pentagon, and the plane that went down in Pennsylvania. The pastor's brother is a fire fighter from New York, and he helped solemnize (? authenticate?) the occasion. He also spoke during worship, and there was a moving video tribute to a buddy from his firehouse.

Just as the pastor was about to give the benediction, a member of the congregation interrupted and said we couldn't talk about 9/11 without talking about the war in Iraq. Somehow this man felt that calling for peace around the world was demeaning to our soldiers overseas who were giving their lives for our country, and somehow we weren't supporting the war effort. The pastor handled his interruption beautifully, said she was glad he felt comfortable enough in the assembly of congregants to speak up, and said she should clarify that issue. I was probably listening with too much emotion (indeed, I noticed another member of the congregation watching me watch that man -- I was grateful I had sunglasses on and made a mental note to put on a better poker face when confronted with issues like this with which I disagree) -- so I don't remember what all was said -- just know that the man felt justified/vindicated/heard, and the benediction was able to be said and worship ended in fine fashion.

Then I was told I could leave whenever. I stayed and talked with folks afterwards, met a few new (to me) people. I ended up spending about 3.5 hours there -- I think I am to do 10 hours of field ed each week, so some will be meeting time with the pastor (not yet scheduled; clearly one of us is more high strung about it than the other!) and preparation for each week on my own. Truly an interesting day. I look forward to discussing it more with the pastor.

need to get more regular

I need to be more intentional about this blog/diary. Life has been hectic, yes, but isn't everyone's? I found out today that my field ed supervisor expects me at church on Sunday, this week before classes have even begun. That's OK. I didn't have any other plans and was deciding where I would worship -- well, now that decision's been made for me. This new church will be where I will be worshipping every Sunday for the next 8 months or so. No problem.

My mother's brain tumor is back and bigger. She is having surgery (again) Sept. 15th and then is probably going to be placed into a new treatment protocol -- more uncomfortable than traditional treatment, but hopefully more effective, side effects unknown at this point. My mom the human guinea pig. She is in surprisingly good spirits about all this. The devil you know.... Now at least she knows what she's dealing with.

We spent the last week with her before school began because she says she doesn't want us there when she's uncomfortable and unattractive in the hospital. It'll be weird going to see her -- or trying to work out when I will get to go see her, now that I'm working every Sunday. Maybe Rosh Hashana or something -- no, I think that's the day after her surgery. Maybe Yom Kippur or NJ teachers convention days.... I'm sure my supervisor will be nice/understanding but I don't want to totally redefine (and stretch) my field ed program/hours.

We had one tense evening -- komm ihupps (sp?) -- when she thought I was mad at her because she wasn't making herself understood -- words are difficult for her now. I actually was mad at her because of her nasty personality streak, which she's had well before the brain cancer (like, always). But now I don't feel it's fair to argue with her (whether it ever was nice or not or the right thing to do -- arguing with your mother -- is another story), because she doesn't always understand what I'm saying and she can't always say back what she wants to. It's hard on both of us.

Dad is frustrated with trying to understand her, but he never was patient with her OR a good listener. I can usually predict where she's going when she starts a sentence (it gets worse the longer the sentence is), but I have been listening to her for years. I think it's the difference in the way men and women communicate in general. Also, Dad is petrified that he's going to lose her, and that was never in his plans. He assumed she would out-live him. He deals with his emotional uncertainty in anger. It's too bad it's usually directed at her.... Makes him come across as mean, and Mom, for the first time ever, seems vulnerable to me.

My kids and husband are driving me crazy with more regularity than usual. Maybe I am starting into menopause. I feel a lot less patient than I used to... First day of school this week for the kids and it's the first time I didn't bake cookies for when they came home. No one missed them. My first day of school next week coincides with Mom's surgery. It will be interesting if anyone in the house (but me) remembers anything remarkable about that day, when it comes. Ah, me and my high expectations!

I am looking forward to classes resuming, and I've had some fun sermon ideas, even helped plan a worship service this week for Presbytery and feel really comfortable navigating around the Bible (like last year's OT and NT classes are finally jelling), so here we go into Middler year! It's early, but I'm tired, so I guess I'm off to bed (9:45 on a Friday night?). Life is mellowing!