Coping

My mother's brain cancer is back. The doctors had said a 60% recurrence rate; my friend the pathologist says the diagnosis of glioblastoma multiforme always comes back. The doctors say it's inoperable (without doing damage that would make her less than herself) and the scar tissue resulting from radiation would do the same thing. They are going to try an experimental chemo drug that may "arrest" the tumor (not sure shrinking the tumor is likely or possible). Mom and Dad have hunkered down upon hearing this news (and the 6-9 month window timeframe, otherwise) and seem to want to grieve alone. This leaves me relying on prayer and friends. I have not told my children (or their father) yet -- I am not sure I am strong enough -- and I'm not sure what to tell them. I'm hoping I will be kept updated by my folks as they pursue 2nd opinions and other options. I call and leave messages; they don't answer their phone or call me back. My mother sends the occasional email, but they are becoming less intelligible with alarming speed.

In other news, I hosted All Options Clergy Counseling on campus and brought in a certified trainer (UU Rev.) from Boston. I had my hand slapped by the Dean for not getting an invitation for this trainer from the President; we had a low turnout and the RCRC wanted me to cancel it. I probably should have. The day after the training, my therapist and I screwed up our appointment/calendars -- so I felt dissed by her and mad at myself for getting something wrong. The next day I argued with a campus security guard (bully) about temporary parking, and then I fell and sprained my ankle. Not sure if I believe in divine retribution and/or karma....

It seems I have high expectations of myself and my friends, and everyone (myself included) is consistently letting me down. Add to this the illness of my advisor's wife (hospitalized now), the demands of my school work (especially my thesis), the interview ("call") process and the many rejection letters I am receiving.... it's all bearing on being too much. I'm preaching three Sundays in a row (including Easter -- at a church which doesn't want to consider me to be their pastor because of my liberal views) and I am leading a women's retreat (on "healing" of all things!) -- maybe keeping busy is one good form of therapy.