exhaustion

I missed three days of "work" last week because I contracted cellulitis. I was told to stay off my feet (and take antibiotics) or I would be in the hospital with an IV drip for a week. I still don't feel great -- mad at myself cuz my body is betraying me -- mad at myself cuz I might have caught this by not protecting myself (I didn't wear socks as required one night on call). Nervous too cuz this "disease" is something diabetics get frequently, and I don't want to be a diabetic!

Things at home are strained. Most of the time, my kids have been great -- together and with others and with each other. Tonight, however, they are picking on each other and driving me bananas. It's difficult to live in this house that isn't mine, and play by others' rules -- challenging in the best of times, but with the heat (no A/C) and how tired I've been from work and the sickness, it's just a lot. Never mind that I worry about my mother's health and mortality, and my own health now seems to be failing.... It's going to be a long summer and I think we will all be glad when it's over.

The hospital work is really rewarding and most of the time I love it. I even think I am kind of good at it. Not sure it is something I want to do for the long haul, but I could handle it for awhile -- it would be interesting to see how different chaplaincy is in other hospital environments. I think God is good and we all got the floor/unit assignments we needed to get. I have been really happy and stretched by mine.

Big difficulty this week is 2 cousins in a car crash -- one is brain dead (age 17) and one is in ICU. One wore his seatbelt, and one didn't. The family is large and there are many players. This happened on Saturday, so when I came back to work on Monday, all kinds of relationships had been established at lots of decisions had been made. I felt like an interloper trying to get in on some of the action. So far I have not met with any family members; none have been on the unit with the seatbelt-wearing cousin -- all are huddled in the room with the non-seatbelt-wearer -- and that is not my unit. It's been strange to try to get into this drama that has already unfolded so far. I feel like a fish out of water in this instance -- don't want to make a grieving family go through all the details again....not sure where they are emotionally/spiritually.... I guess I don't have the energy....

I'm even too tired to write much more. Early to bed, early to rise....