Merry Christmas!

It actually was a Merry Christmas! (Shock and amazement!) My parents came for an overnight, and I was braced for the worst. It's been a difficult time for me since my separation from my husband, and I've been evaluating all my relationships with everyone. And my relationship with my parents was never a simple, easy one. And I have not felt supported by them since the separation. But I tried to overlook stuff and I think they were on their best behavior too, so I think it went well. Brevity being the key, of course.... Even got some presents from my brother (and a Christmas card!) which never happens before Christmas, if at all....

The kids and I head to Maine tomorrow for a 5-day 4-night holiday. We were trying to do something non-traditional on this first Christmas without the intact nuclear family, and not seeing their dad's side of the family at all.... My overwhelming feeling is one of RELIEF. I didn't send Christmas cards this year -- a task I normally enjoy -- and I didn't buy presents for the in-laws -- a task I normally abhor -- but I felt so free this fall with almost nothing hanging over my head. My "should" list got much smaller, and it was a nice break....

I'm still praying for my advisor's wife and her cancer treatment (chemotherapy begun this week -- ugh!) and thinking about my thesis. Need to pack now (books too?) to get ready for the long ride to Maine. It's raining now but should be nice tomorrow.... It will be a nice break to see some new scenery and change our routine -- sleeping in, dinners out, exercise (walking on the beach AND swimming in the indoor pool), maybe some hiking in the woods and milling about some small towns. Also want to see "Dream Girls" -- the movie looks great and it will be interesting to see how different it is from the Broadway show I saw 23 (?) years ago.

daily walk

Today I was taking my (almost-)daily walk around the neighborhood -- looking for the white squirrel, as usual, and thinking about my day and my life. I passed a black man also walking on the sidewalk -- there are not a lot of African Americans in this neighborhood. I think, perhaps to make me feel more comfortable, he pulled out his cell phone and made a call before he got to me. I, for my part, did not cross the street at the place I usually do, because I didn't want him to think I was crossing the street to get away from him. We smiled and nodded at one another as we passed -- we didn't really say hello because he was in the midst of his phone conversation. I think we were both sensitive to one another's feelings and potential fears in an almost-reverse-kind of racism.... I passed an older white man jogging. He did not say hello to me -- not sure if he was out of breath or just shy or unfriendly. I did say hi to him....but got no response. Further on around the block, I passed Edwin & Scamper's house. Scamper is a lovely bassett hound that likes to be petted over the side of his fence when he sees passers-by. Edwin, I learned today, is the name of his owner, and he had put a sign up saying something to the effect of, "Instead of worrying about my dog, why don't you get your own?" I can only surmise that many people look for Scamper to pet when they walk by, and when he's not there, they must ask questions of Edwin....? I dunno. I didn't see Scamper today, but did see the sign. It made me both angry and sad. I'm between dogs right now (my 13-year-old died last year) and I enjoyed petting Scamper when I passed by. I look for him every day, but I don't stop and ask where he is.... I know the sign wasn't directed at me personally, but it still hurt my feelings. There's a lot of feeling going on out there in the larger world. Sometimes it's a tough place to navigate....

Party/White Squirrel/Babysitting

I hosted a party this weekend -- invited 15 women for food and fellowship -- had 8 in attendance. It was nice with the 8, lots of intimate conversation, but 3 who RSVP'd "yes" forgot to come. 2 never RSVP'd, and 2 RSVP'd "no." So there you are. Once again I wrestle with how important I might be to how many people. Not very....not to be put on their calendars! I wrestle, too, with being graceful and forgiving -- "it's OK; I know you are busy and you have a lot on your mind..." -- and with being mad/feeling scorned -- and being worried about the missing folks being in danger on the road or having a family emergency or something....

There is an albino squirrel in our neighborhood. I have seen him/her 3 times (in the last 3 years) when I've been walking. I'm always amazed that this lack of camouflage has not shortened this squirrel's life.... Ghostlike, yet occasionally available for one who is searching.... I think the existence/reality/disappearance of this unusual squirrel could preach.....

Story-telling seminar tonight on campus. I was planning to go. Oldest now is going to a movie "for extra credit" (hmmmmm) so youngest may have to go with me, or I don't get to go.... It sucks to be me, upon occasion.