Louis Vuitton

There was a "feel-good" story on the news this morning (and who doesn't love those?) about a small Louis Vuitton bag of luggage full of real jewelry (valued into the hundreds of thousands if not millions) and $500 cash that was left behind on a park bench in California by a Canadian who was visiting family for a wedding. The person who found the luggage turned it into the police, and it was returned to its rightful owner.

That reminds me of a summer vacation in Cape Cod, when my dad spotted a wallet lying on the pier in Provincetown, and the wallet had $200 cash inside (in addition to the out-of-state tourist's identification). My dad modeled the right behavior for me and my brother, as we walked to the local police station to turn it in. Weeks later, the man who had lost his wallet sent a letter to my dad thanking him for his honesty and for doing his civic duty.

I don't know what my point is in writing this: doing the right thing? Being rewarded for what one would hope anyone would do? How my dad felt when he returned the wallet contrasted with how he felt when he received the letter? The news anchor this morning hoped that the Louis Vuitton luggage rescuer was rewarded.... Is doing good its own reward?

counseling/facing the music

Saw a new counselor for the first time today. I like her very much. I hope I can afford her. Mentioned to her about 9/11 (how much more devastating it looked in person, just like how much more Katrina's devastation impresses in person, than on TV, and how much it affected my husband) and she told me I was the 3rd person today to mention 9/11. Interesting -- cuz we are also discussing Revelation post-9/11 in one of my classes....

My husband and I are separated, and I am trying to deal with that, and what it might mean -- divorce versus reconciliation, forgiveness and grace versus mistrust and uncertainty. Not a clue where we are headed. But interestingly, had a memory today of 9/11 (unrelated to therapy): my husband called me on that morning to ask if I was OK. I said I was, and asked why he should ask me that. He said planes were falling out of the sky and he was concerned about me. That's one of the nicest things he's ever done to show he cares (cared) about me. Ah, well.

I applied for the Th.M. program online last night, and I had to pick a marital status selection; after some wrangling, I decided to go with "separated." First time using that word as a self-classifier in writing.... Off to do some school work, then maybe will take the kids to see "The Shaggy Dog" movie.

diversity

Twins Sarah and Marcus were born to parents Rob and Howard yesterday. It's exciting; this couple had wanted children for a long time. I am so happy for them and think they will be excellent parents. I hope it all is easier rather than harder for them.

In my Bonhoeffer precept on Thursday, our new preceptor (Ph.D. student; we had the professor for the first half of the semester) asked us to introduce ourselves and tell something about our names. I told my adoption story (the first name I was given, and then the name I grew up with, and why my mother changed it -- fear of reclamation), and a Korean student told how, after emigrating to the U.S. at age 11, her cousins on the school bus told her on the way to school her first day that she'd have to pick an American name. They looked in the newspaper (I'm amazed that an 11-year-old had a newspaper on the school bus!), and the first girl's name they found, she took. {How did they know the girls' names from the boys'? Helpful Americanized cousins, I guess.) And that's the name she goes by to this day. Her younger sister got the second girl's name they found in the paper that morning. Fascinating.

Also diverse this week was the poetry reading I attended, given by an award-winning Jamaican woman poet, Pearl, who is a student in seminary with me (who knew she was so talented?!). I was interested to hear her work and also to see how she was coping following the tragic death of her 23-year-old son in a car accident a year ago. She had missed some time on campus and it was good to see her back. She is an insightful, strong woman of faith, and Maya Angelou is her role model, she says.

Not feeling too well the last few days -- back pain of uncertain origin -- and a nagging headache (could be allergy season beginning). I was supposed to give blood (& platelets -- pheresis) today, but the all-new staff was not ready for me when I got there at 7 a.m., and between my back pain and headache pain (which I wasn't taking aspirin for because you're not supposed to within 48 hours of giving blood), I decided not to wait the 20 mins. they estimated it would take to set up (+ the 3 hours the whole procedure takes), and I went home after agreeing to sign up again. That worked out well cuz it turned out my oldest had a commitment that began at 10, instead of 12:30 as we had originally thought, so I got to be the carpool mom again.

I got an 81 on my worship mid-term (prof says 2/3 of the class got an 80 or above -- phew!) -- not bad for not having done any of the reading....but I have attended all the classes. Still waiting for my Bonhoeffer mid-term paper back. Went to an interview yesterday (information only) about an urban residency -- social ministry -- I'm not free to take the position next fall, but it was interesting. Need to work on my Th.M. application now....

But need to go do the mom's taxi thing again first. Then rest some more....

conflicted

I got an email from a friend asking for a recommendation to a marriage counselor. I don't know any personally, not in her area, so I can give her names but not my personal impressions or real information. I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to ask me; I'm sorry she and her husband have the need for counseling. I also feel disingenuous; she's one of the many that don't know my husband and I are also having problems, and he refuses (at this point, anyway) to go for counseling. I'm living a bit of a lie every day, and it's hard. I don't know what advice or response I want from friends, but so far I don't think I have gotten it. I need to get back into counseling myself -- I did it for 2003-2004 and 2004-2005 school years, just didn't resume it in the fall this school year.

My divorced friends are encouraging me to get a divorce, what to do, and I know they want me to benefit from all their hard-won experience. Some of my married friends want me to stay married, and be like them (validate their choice, so far?), and some of them even find ways to brag about their success in marriage. (I bet I used to be like that.) Some of my married friends are just concerned about me as an individual -- which is really nice and restful but then it takes me out of the context of my marriage and motherhood roles. No one knows what to do, but they all want to help. I don't even know what I wish they would do.

And my biggest enemy is me. Examining everything with the perfect 20/20 vision that is hindsight. If I had just said or done something different, we wouldn't be in the position we're in now. It's all my fault. It's not my fault. I want reconciliation. I don't want reconciliation. I can forgive. I cannot forgive. I'm wearing myself out just with the emotional trauma I'm in and the amount of time I spend thinking about this. Schoolwork is taking a distant back seat, and yet, somehow I'm coping. I do enough to get by (and I actually really like my classes this semester), but I'm disengaged too often. It seems all I want to do is sleep and eat, and that's not really helpful either. But speaking of that, I'd better get to bed now anyway. Early morning bible study tomorrow. My one Lenten discipline that I'm keeping and enjoying!

Baptism

Rare that I do posting at school -- too little time, perhaps too public? Turned in my Bonhoeffer paper this morning (found 2 typos on the final printed copy -- typical -- and handed it in already marked up!) and am proud of myself because I made it to 7 a.m. Lenten bible study. There were 5 of us there -- I didn't expect a lot of students at that hour -- and it was nice and intimate and meaningful. Then had 8 a.m. worship in the Reformed tradition class -- baptism was the topic -- and then in Bonhoeffer, we also were talking about baptism.

Reminds me of wonderful baptism stories (I think we all have them): 1) Oldest was baptized during Hurricane Hugo, in a private ceremony (approved by Session) on a Saturday (because my in-laws would not come on a Sunday and miss church at home!) and we used Jordan River water (before I knew local water was encouraged, even preferable -- clearly the "magic" is not in the water!). 2) Youngest was one of 5 babies baptized that Sunday -- we invited 90 people to the baptism to share our joy (of having another child after 9 years of waiting!) and regular parishioners complained about the crowd in the church! Youngest wore a hand-made gown sent up from Ecuador -- from a good friend living overseas who could not make it to the baptism. 3) Summer 2004, I participated in the baptizing of 48 children at PCEA Umoja in Kenya. I got good and wet -- liberal sprinkling of water! What a fun morning. Surely the presence of the Lord was in all 3 of those places....

Just some fun reminiscences! Off to do some more reading before next class (Revelation Post-Holocaust and Post-9/11).

Chapel Worship

That hallmark of senioritis: I preached in chapel today -- climbed the 6 steps into the pulpit (I thought there were more!) and preached from 1 Cor. 1:3-10. Trying to encourage the insular community to be loving and forgiving to one another. Got good feedback. Not really nervous while I was doing it, but aware of a little stuttering or skipping over words. Felt I was good with eye contact, and had them laughing a few times. Was intentional about having diversity share the worship experience with me -- age, gender, race. Beautiful music, clear and emotive scripture reading by Beth, youthful and exuberant and self-conscious prayer by Marcus. God was in that place -- worship felt really worshipful.

Chapel kind of sparsely attended, maybe 1/2 to 2/3 full -- but that's OK -- saw some smiling faces and was generally in good voice. It's the week after mid-term break so people are still studying and writing papers. Special thanks to Michael and Kathryn and Chi Yi for great music! And it was fun to see who came up to greet me and say kind words after: Jen, Christine, Larissa, Nkansah, Nolan, Katie, Erin, Marianne, Buri, I can't remember them all -- got some supportive emails and comments in classes after, too.

Felt nervous before -- counting the hours, thinking what I would wear, looking forward to it being over.... Felt pumped afterward, but did not spend as much time "replaying" the event as I thought I might -- good I was settled enough after to get some reading done before my next class. Now need to go work on my Bonhoeffer paper due Weds. Yet another hurdle of my seminary career jumped through!