dead dog

Yesterday was tough, and today...and tomorrow... I took our 13-year-old mutt (some say black lab mix, some say blue tick hound) to be put to sleep. I am certain it was time, but of course it was not easy, and now I am second-guessing myself. She could not longer do stairs, her hips were going, and she was walking on her "knuckles" instead of her flat feet/paws (so it was not just in the hips). Also, it looked as though eating was difficult/painful for her. She was whimpering, so I know she was in pain....

I felt pretty alone in all this -- I couldn't call my mom, cuz she regarded the dog as a pain (one more responsibility for me, and responsible for most of the mess in my house) -- mom is a cat person. Other friends have never had pets and don't know what I'm going through. Others have pets who are not as much members of their family. No one is on my "same page" it seems, with their relationships with their pets. One friend asked if I were doing it for the dog's sake or my sake. Ouch. When we hurt the most, we feel the most alone (or at least that's been my experience). Why can't we be our best/kindest to one another then? Even me -- evaluating the responses of my friends and families before I decide whether to tell them or not?

The other alone-ness is of my own creating. I took the dog to the vet myself while the family is away. I'm hoping this will be a "gift" to hubby: that he won't have to face it when he returns. We have talked of doing this for about 2 months. It would have been hard for him.... Youngest is already to pick out our next dog -- oldest wanted the dog to see spring, and new green grass, which she now has... I'm second guessing myself as to how "well" I will present this to them and how "well" they will take it... Off to prayer group. This ought to help ease my pain at least a little.

Easter Monday

Amazing range of emotions today: 1. Exhaustion -- Easter service was long and meaningful (I played my flute for perhaps a dozen musical selections during worship -- some that were in the program I did not play; some that were not in the program I did play -- had to be very flexible -- also my pastor eschewed preaching for contemporary recorded praise music and liturgical dance -- interesting) -- and then I had Easter dinner at home to finish preparing, serving, cleaning up after, and then work on a few papers due this week at school; 2. Anger -- got a flaming email from a friend who discovered something (nice!) I had written in an empty book given to her by her bible study group -- I thought she would like that I had written something nice to her when she found it one day. She found it last night, and is pissed that I disrespected her property -- though, she says, she forgives me. She also says she tore the page I wrote out of the book; 3. Sadness -- dog is getting too weak to eat or do stairs -- we have had the euthanasia discussion, but not all in the house are of like minds; 4. Fear -- ordination exam grades come out on Friday; I also have a Greek exam on Friday -- lots to worry about! Burn out...that's all for now.

Good Friday

Woke up with a splitting headache at 5 a.m.; didn't get up until about 8:45, however. Took 6 aspirin (not all at once) and finally an allergy pill. Did not feel 100% until about 4 or 5 p.m. Church service at noon -- stopped by seminary computer lab to print out my sermon -- arrived at church at 11:40. 7 preachers preaching on the 7 last words of Christ. I spoke on "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Had a recovering alcoholic (11 years sober) speaking on "I thirst," a deacon speaking on "Mother, behold your son..." and another seminary student speaking on "It is finished." Former seminary professor spoke on "Today you will be with me in paradise," parish associate spoke on "Why have you abandoned me?" and pastor spoke on "Into your hands I commit my spirit." Service was very nice -- longer than 2 hours, with music intermittently, and then we went outside (2 men carried the cross) and stood near the cross until 3 p.m. Every service I have had at my field ed church has been a meaningful one....

Went out to a very late lunch with hubby and youngest, then vegged at home until now. Playing my flute in the Easter service -- no other responsibilities. That's OK -- will be a full morning! Tomorrow I need to practice my flute, write my funeral sermon, and do my ecumenics reflection paper. Maybe also shop for butterflies and magnets for women's ordination event at seminary next weekend.... No shortage of stuff to do!

Maundy Thursday

Just returned from a seder supper at our Maundy Thursday service. It was very nice. Only 14 in attendance, way down from last year, I am told. The reason why, they are guessing, is because "foot-washing" was mentioned in the press for this service. Of course it was not mandatory, but people didn't assume that, not being there to hear the instructions, so they stayed away. We did the whole service by candlelight (I brought the candles, and the pitcher and basin and towel -- I love how I was called at 6 p.m. to bring these things to a 7 p.m. service!) -- sang some hymns, read, prayed, washed feet, and had communion -- it really was intimate and moving. I felt really cared for when the pastor washed my feet, and youngest's feet were washed by the parish associate, who really loves children. It was a win-win. Then we had supper (matzoh ball soup, raw vegetables, hard boiled eggs, grape juice) and went home. We were there for almost 3 hours.

Now hubby and youngest are arguing over the couch and the remote control, so I am taking some time on my computer in another room.

Grades came out and I was disappointed by a C+ in Greek -- I understand it, of course, I deserved it -- but still doesn't look great on the transcript. Not that anyone will ever see it/ask me about it -- so I need to let go more of my need for perfection and for acknowledgement. Also got a C+ on my ecumenics midterm -- that class is very hard to follow -- very reading heavy, and not really interesting. Makes for a problem -- I think my worst one this semester. Need to write a position paper for that class due Monday....

My sermon for tomorrow ("Father, forgive them for they know not what they do") is written, neither printed nor practiced. Probably should do that.... Also need to write a funeral sermon for next Thursday's preaching class and workshop....

Easter doesn't feel momentous this year...I'm just sort of flowing along, seeing what I will be told to do when. Mom and Dad were hoping we'd go there for Easter, but I just don't have the energy for a drive and sleeping in a different bed, and then driving back... Oldest will be singing in a kirk in Scotland on Easter morning -- so that is cool. Can't wait to hear about that. I sent about a dozen Easter cards out today...that feels a little celebratory, although they were more secular than religious -- selected by hubby, not me....

Hubby and youngest are heading for NC next week for some R&R - hopefully I will prioritize correctly and will get a lot of work done. We'll see. Guess I will head to bed now, "early" for me.

mid-week

Have 15 mins. before prayer group begins. May just be me and the leader/convenor, and that's OK. It's our time to catch up and get centered together. Walked to a min-grocery nearby to see if they had buttermilk (they don't -- what was I thinking?) -- tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I thought I might bake some Irish soda bread.... Yesterday was Ides of March, none of the youngsters I mentioned it to knew what I was talking about....

Oldest heads to Scotland for a week (four choral performances) a week from today. Youngest's birthday party is this weekend. Mom is doing well -- good MRI -- though she is still forgetful and has some trouble with words -- still feels like "her" when we talk. Small home improvements happening -- but mostly ongoing mess to contend with. Need to euthanize the 12-year-old dog sooner rather than later -- that will be difficult, but also liberating...

School work is OK. Midterms are done. Now need to gear up for final push of finals, and then need to start "worrying" about CPE. I begin May 31st (? I think) and have to be away from hubby and kids for 3 weeks. Ought to be a difficult and also liberating time for me...

Bible study tonight on Acts. Will need to prep for that at home this afternoon (after prayer group, after grocery shopping). Also need to reschedule the therapy appt. I missed -- figure I should do at least one this month and at least one in April.... Maybe will not harp on that at my CPM annual review so I don't "have" to do it again next year....

Waiting for ordination exam results April 1st (ha ha) -- also the date of my next Greek exam.... 'Nuff for now -- better dash.

Gang Violence

Wednesday (2 days ago) was difficult. My supervising pastor called to tell me that one "youth" from the church (he's 21) was arrested on Sunday in connection with the murder of a 23-year-old woman (mother of two). His picture was in the paper, and there have been stories for days. The death penalty is even being discussed. We (a bunch of church members and I) talked about it Wednesday night at Bible study -- and Bible study was a bit depressed, unfocused, and lack-luster because of our preoccupation with this. The "good" news is that this young man was one of nine involved, and he has not been identified as the trigger man (someone else has). We've prayed for this young man; when I suggested to my supervising pastor that we might want to visit him in prison (I am on break from school next week) -- she said does not want to go see him unless he says he wants a visit from her. She feels he chose the gang over his church family (and the right values) and she's very comfortable with her decision. To me it seems punitive, but she has much more gang experience than I do, so maybe she is protecting her credibility, her status as a community leader that doesn't succumb to threats and isn't intimidated by gangs. I don't know what to think about this. It's interesting to examine your faith in light of your response to events like this. I feel like we should always support a church member, but I don't know where you draw a line when crime is involved. How bad is too bad? Where is grace and forgiveness? Is it God's alone, or ours too?

Argh!

One of those days. Snow overnight, no school for the kids. Husband really loud in the a.m. so that kids wake up, can't sleep in even on a snow day. Still had rowing for the older one (allegedly after school) and bowling for the little one. All kinds of craziness with parking lots and other drivers and parents that stand in front of you while you're trying to watch your own child. Now oldest is off at scout meeting; husband is in pajamas so I assume that I am the designated driver -- have been all afternoon. Trying to read textbooks in parking lots and bowling alleys -- last week of classes until midterm break and reading week -- so much reading to get caught up on, and papers to write. Parents coming tomorrow -- house is a wreck -- no surprise there -- new door was not installed today. Carpenter isn't doing this job because of the snow, but when I call him to reschedule, of course he's out doing some other job -- he can move up an indoor job that quickly? Still working, just not at my place as scheduled. So I left a message; it'll take days to reschedule, and days more for it to actually happen.... Two friends want to socialize tomorrow with me -- I want to see both of them, but probably should clean my house -- also need to prepare for bible study tomorrow night (we are studying Luke). Mom wants to come with me -- no stress there....no, really, just one more thing. Am yelling at the little one to clean up toys all over the living room.... Time for a bath, some deep breaths, maybe just bite my lip and buckle down to work. Just realized I missed a therapy appointment today! ARGH, really!