Perspective

There I was, thinking I was clinically depressed -- or that I should be -- due to the recurrence of my mom's brain cancer, on top of all the other crazy and out-of-control things in my life. But I find that I am coping, after all, and that I don't have to look very far to find significant pain in other people's lives...

I went to a friend's 44th birthday party on Wednesday night. This friend is a faithful and gifted and capable woman, yet she is having trouble finding a call (and getting honest feedback), and she lives with her 3 cats and takes anti-depressants. Another woman there had almost completed her first year of ordained ministry, and since I saw her at graduation last May, she had had a miscarriage, and lost her father to a seizure at the age of 57. Her husband has gotten off the ordained ministry track, and she is arguing with her senior pastor. She says of herself that she has had high high's and low low's this year. Another woman there was newly pregnant, after being told she could not conceive, and another is the mother of two special needs kids. Another woman couldn't make it to the party because her car had broken down. I was glad to spend time with these women. It made me feel alive, and I realized I wasn't spending days crying or lying in my bed in a dark room.

I don't mean for this to sound idiot-savant-like, oddly profound or amazingly stupid, but perhaps these obstacles we all face are what life is all about. I know the interruptions and crises of life have been defined before as "ministry," but it was helpful for me to have some perspective these week on my own problems. So I can thank God for my continued blessings, and ask for the strength to face the challenges.

I have talked to my mom (twice!) today. Her spirits sound good though her words elude her. We can still communicate, and it makes us both feel good. She sounds like herself, and that's restorative for me. I hope I sound enough like myself to bring some normalcy to her day.

Coping

My mother's brain cancer is back. The doctors had said a 60% recurrence rate; my friend the pathologist says the diagnosis of glioblastoma multiforme always comes back. The doctors say it's inoperable (without doing damage that would make her less than herself) and the scar tissue resulting from radiation would do the same thing. They are going to try an experimental chemo drug that may "arrest" the tumor (not sure shrinking the tumor is likely or possible). Mom and Dad have hunkered down upon hearing this news (and the 6-9 month window timeframe, otherwise) and seem to want to grieve alone. This leaves me relying on prayer and friends. I have not told my children (or their father) yet -- I am not sure I am strong enough -- and I'm not sure what to tell them. I'm hoping I will be kept updated by my folks as they pursue 2nd opinions and other options. I call and leave messages; they don't answer their phone or call me back. My mother sends the occasional email, but they are becoming less intelligible with alarming speed.

In other news, I hosted All Options Clergy Counseling on campus and brought in a certified trainer (UU Rev.) from Boston. I had my hand slapped by the Dean for not getting an invitation for this trainer from the President; we had a low turnout and the RCRC wanted me to cancel it. I probably should have. The day after the training, my therapist and I screwed up our appointment/calendars -- so I felt dissed by her and mad at myself for getting something wrong. The next day I argued with a campus security guard (bully) about temporary parking, and then I fell and sprained my ankle. Not sure if I believe in divine retribution and/or karma....

It seems I have high expectations of myself and my friends, and everyone (myself included) is consistently letting me down. Add to this the illness of my advisor's wife (hospitalized now), the demands of my school work (especially my thesis), the interview ("call") process and the many rejection letters I am receiving.... it's all bearing on being too much. I'm preaching three Sundays in a row (including Easter -- at a church which doesn't want to consider me to be their pastor because of my liberal views) and I am leading a women's retreat (on "healing" of all things!) -- maybe keeping busy is one good form of therapy.