Last Class

Interestingly, the last class of my M.Div. seminary career occurred in the chapel basement, in a Ph.D. seminar room, in which I have never had a class. The water heater in our house broke yesterday afternoon, which meant I had to move classes around in order to be home for the installer/technician today. [Real life/home ownership keeps you humble and keeps your feet on the ground when your head is in the heavens....] I went to a different Bonhoeffer precept than usual, and enjoyed this room that was new to me, and capped off my M.Div experience in a nice way.

Last night were the senior banquet and the senior worship service. Both were nice. I sang with the senior choir in worship -- only about 13 of us. My whole family was present (husband and both kids), so that was a nice show of support.... Classmates were happy to see my family again, except for one friend who says she likes me more lately when my husband is not around. Lots of emotion in the service -- many students crying -- male and female. It's interesting, cuz it feels in some ways as if the students 20 years my junior are not grieving "appropriately" -- they don't seem to know they are leaving and they will probably not remain in contact with most of their current classmates. In other ways, the "youngsters" are much more in the moment (and more dramatic!) than I am -- it's an interesting dichotomy.

I'm thinking of my proposed Th.M. thesis and focusing on gaps in my seminary experience -- and gaps in my common experience with other human beings -- wonder if this is a new perspective for me, or if I have always separated myself from others. Hmmmmm. Th.M. applications are due May 1; I've submitted mine but will need to wait another few weeks to see if I've been accepted.... In some ways I think it is a rubber stamp process, but I am not sure....

Weird Week

Luther says that, "the godly will always live discontentedly in this life precisely because they are always seeking another kingdom." (Thanks to the Ph.D. dissertation of PTS alum John A. Maxfield)

I've noted before (and it's been noted before by others about me) that I am often dissatistied in this life. Doesn't necessarily mean that I'm godly, though I think I am somehow seeking for another realm, a world where all people are accepted, a world where people don't judge one another. Michael Adee of More Light Presbyterians embraces a "boundary-less" gospel, and I have begun co-opting that phrase as well....

This has been an interesting several days since I last wrote. I went into chapel to see one of my professors preach -- I was ambivalent about going (it put me on campus earlier than I needed to be that day, and lately I am not a fan of that particular prof) -- but I felt called to be there. Saw my Th.M. advisor, quite unexpectedly, who is on sabbatical this semester and who is quite in communicado -- we have not been in contact since last December. So in catching up on our lives, briefly, I was a bit teary speaking about my marital situation -- wonder if the situation itself seems more important and momentous and real? -- depending upon who the hearing audience is...? When I tell others I care less about, it seems not only do I care less about my situation itself, but I care less about their response to my situation.

I bought the robe in which I will graduate. It will be my preaching robe and a tailor measured it to fit me. Like everything I buy, it took me 10 mins. or less -- decision-making is not hard for me. My parents say they will reimburse me for the cost (over $500) -- this is good because I did not necessarily want to bother with the graduation ceremony at all...they are coming (and I will have tickets for them to get good seats with the kids -- no hubby) and so they can fund my future (and my appearance at graduation) to that degree. I declined to buy the $145 frame to hang my diploma in....one has to draw the line somewhere. A frame? Yes, certainly, when I have an office in which to hang my diploma. A frame costing that much, which has PTS engraved/etched on its borders? No, I think not.

Have been doing Lenten bible study with the social justice group on campus -- 7 a.m. Wednesdays. Have gotten to know a few of them (different group of students) better. Interesting that they are fallible humans just like me (there I go judging them!). Saw Matthew Shepherd's mother speak this week about the torturous death of her son in Wyoming almost 8 years ago, and mentioned it to one of these students, who has now kind of "written off" hearing mothers speak, since Cindy Sheehan had been on our campus and had apparently not impressed this student. As a mom myself, I necessarily have a different perspective. We've been talking about solidarity as opposed to mere empathy with the oppressed and poor -- how far are we willing to go to be with them? Can we let "this life" go in order to enter another's?

Had many more things I wanted to write about -- but need to get to my paper/presentation due this coming Tuesday -- it's raining and I'm not motivated -- also I can't remember what else I wanted to say. One of the advantages (?) of middle age: letting go whether you want to or not. Ability to re-prioritize (cuz you have to!).

unexpected events

Days never go as you think they are going to. Lives never go as you think they will either, for that matter. Today I had much to do -- see a friend preach in chapel, do some research on my apostles presentation in the library, go to class, go to a lunchtime forum, go to therapy, and be home in time for the school bus....all completed, but some interesting things cropped up, as things tend to do....

My friend preaching in chapel stumbled on a few of his words (he said he was nervous, but his voice wasn't shaky -- his tongue just got ahead of itself). It occurred to me then that I haven't yet listened to the recording of my sermon in chapel, which was 3 weeks ago. I wonder if that means I'm avoidant (don't want to hear myself) or if I have very little ego (little invested in the outcome?). Hmmmmm.

The lunchtime forum was on abstinence/postponing sexual involvement, and only 6 students were in attendance. That was disappointing. I don't know if the students on this campus think they know all there is to know about this topic, if they're not interested in this topic, or if they don't plan to work with youth or become parents, so that this topic will never apply to them in their roles in life as pastors or parents.....

Today when I got home, I opened an email from a friend who told me that a mutual acquaintance (in her early 50's) was found dead on her bathroom floor. Disconcerting. She had told her husband she didn't feel well.... This unexpected death made me think of relationships, whether you know the last time you speak to someone will be the last time you speak to them, and what if you have "unfinished business" with them? It's so difficult in so many ways that life is so unplanned. We like to think we know what we're doing, and that we have things always in control. It's a nice if not particularly useful fantasy....