2nd chance -- in more ways than one*

I am in Washington D.C. with the kids (here for a Seminarians 4 Choice conference -- turned it into a mini-vacation -- we are here for 3 nights). We had dinner tonight in Georgetown, then went to a 9:45 p.m. showing of "Accepted" (hokey teen film, but still fun) and caught a cab home. Arrived at the hotel at 11:52, but noticed a 24-hour CVS on the way back to the hotel. The cabbie offered to drive me back there, no charge, and the kids went up to the room without me. I wanted to get some REAL milk (instead of non-dairy creamer) for my hotel bathroom coffee tomorrow morning. On the way into the CVS, I overheard one man on the sidewalk asking another man entering the store if he could spare any change.

While in the store, I decided to buy some jam (to go on the bread we brought home from the restaurant) and some cereal and plastic bowls and spoons (and extra milk) so we could have breakfast in the room tomorrow morning. I paid by credit card, and looked in my change purse for extra change. All I had was a $5 bill, and I thought that was too much money to give to a man on the sidewalk -- if he was even still outside when I left. He was. He asked me for a quarter. I told him I had no spare CHANGE, and that was true.

I walked back to the hotel, and got there by midnight, and while unloading my groceries (that I spent over $12 for), I realized I did not have the cereal box. I had put it down while finding plastic bowls and spoons, and had not picked it up again. I walked back to the store, and the man was still there on the sidewalk -- this time sitting on a crate instead of standing by the door. He asked me if I would have any change for him when I came out. I told him that I would. This was my 2nd chance!

I went into the store and found "my" cereal box on the paper product shelf where I left it. I went to pay, figuring the box must be about $5, so I was going to use my $5 bill. The cashier asked me if I had a CVS card (I'm not sure if she recognized me or not -- since I had checked out 15 mins. previously, I had changed my clothes and put up my hair), and I said I did not. She punched into the cash register that I DID have a CVS card, and the box of cereal now cost me $1.77. I now had change!

I thanked her for the discount, and left. When I left the store, the man barely looked up at me, but I leaned down and put $3 in his hand. (I don't know why $5 was too much, and why $3 was not. I don't know if I forgot that cereal box for a reason. I do know I was glad to have a 2nd chance to give some money to someone who could use it. I don't know why I didn't give him the remaining 23 cents -- the pennies seemed paltry, I suppose.) The man thanked me and told me to have a nice night. I told him he was welcome and that he should have a nice night too. I walked back to the hotel feeling good as I mulled this over. I had spent $158 on dinner for 3 of us (over priced snooty restaurant) and $23 for a movie, and $12 for groceries. $3 was little enough to give to a man who may not have eaten today. And even if he used the money for some illicit habit, $3 is little enough to give to a man whose only pleasure in this life is that very habit. Easing suffering -- whether it's a pit in the stomach or a sense of despair in the soul....

*The first time I typed this on my oldest's iBook, it somehow vanished. I am a Dell PC user. God knows why I needed a 2nd chance at typing THIS. Maybe more time for mulling.... Thanks, God!

Coming to Grips

It's been an interesting few weeks. I pulled my lower back out moving furniture around my house while I painted the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then, I think in response to my husband's CA vacation with his girlfriend (and my parents' response to same), I grew a cyst at the base of my neck. Augmentin has mostly cleared it up. I think I can handle the stress emotionally and cognitively/intellectually, but my body begs to differ. This week I threw away a commemorative plate that was given to us as a wedding present. It felt weird to throw it away -- not that I ever really liked it -- but it was homemade.... Will I ever be celebrating that anniversary again? Doubtful. I know there's a part of me that really wants reconciliation and wants my husband back, but I don't know why that's so -- comfort, security, the known vs. the unknown? -- I can't rationalize it. And I'm not sure it's "the right move," or "the right thing to do" in any case. If someone could assure me it was absolutely the proper course of action for the kids, and if I knew I wouldn't bring the whole situation up again the next time we argued.... I guess I might consider it....

In call-to-ministry-related news, I had another annual interview with the Committee on Preparation for Ministry -- it went pretty well -- I think they took it easy on me in light of the separation news (also it was August and it seemed many were on vacation -- including my pastor and my Session liaison). So we just had a nice chat. I'm guessing my Th.M. advisor is back from his Maine vacation -- hope his health has improved too -- need to call him next week. In the meantime, I am off the Washington D.C. this weekend for a Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice meeting, and oldest will tour Georgetown University. Will be a nice change of pace. This week I gave my Kenya trip report to the partnership committee -- that went fairly well, though the news of some of our snafus was frustrating to those just hearing it (not to mention those of us re-living it!). Oh, well. It has just started pouring rain here -- we could use it. I love to sleep to the sound of rain on the roof. Good night!

Rules Girl

"You're a rules girl," my friend said to me the other morning over a cup of coffee. It wasn't an indictment -- it was a statement of fact. I agreed that I was. By this, she and I mean that we stand behind the line until we are called, we don't ride on the shoulder of the highway -- we wait until an exit comes up, we don't try to get away with anything when the rules are clearly marked or verbally explained to us. My friend had a favor to ask me, and it involved some rule-breaking, so she was pretty certain that I wouldn't comply. But when she began asking me to adopt a shelter cat for her (meaning, I would fill out the paperwork, but she would take the cat home), I didn't hesitate to say yes. She didn't even have time to finish the question before I agreed.

As it turns out, after much soul-searching about this after the fact, I may not be a rules girl after all. I do like to get away with things, like keeping my CPE I.D. after leaving the hospital and the program, like sneaking food into a movie theater, and today, like buying a ordination exam guidebook for a friend at another seminary. The person in administration selling me the study guide said, innocently enough, "Studying for ords, eh?" But the rules girl in me that can't lie (and maybe I felt the need to brag, who knows?) said, "Oh, no, I'm done with those. It's for a friend at [another] seminary." This engendered the reply (from an obvious non-rules girl), "I didn't just hear you say that." So she took my (friend's) money, and I took the book, with a pang of conscious, and mailed it overnight to my friend as requested, who will use it before taking ords later this month. I guess, like the cat, it's for the greater good....

This is my ethical conundrum at the moment. Not earth-shattering, I know....and probably won't keep me up tonight either (phew!).

Parents/In-Laws

Life continues to be "entertaining" -- or at least it keeps you on your toes. Big news this week is that hubby is heading to San Fran and Lake Tahoe with his girlfriend and her 3 children for an 11-day vacation. I don't know why hubby is not vacationing with his OWN children. My parents are very angry about this on my behalf (just like I am angry on my kids' behalf) and my father fired off a letter (probably angry) to hubby's parents. So I called in-laws to warn them of the flamer that was coming. It was an enlightening conversation with them. They just know their son is happy and that makes them happy. They don't know about the girlfriend (and they don't want to know), and they reminded me that hubby took his OWN kids to California in April (for 4 days while they were on school break, so oldest could look at colleges out there). 4 days vs. 11 days -- your 2 kids vs. someone else's 3 kids. I dunno. The math doesn't seem equitable.

I didn't ask my father to get involved at all -- I don't know what he's doing -- protecting me? forcing a reconciliation? trying to hurt the man who's hurt me? Probably a little of all of that. I haven't even talked to my father. My mother is the one who enlightened me. It'll be an interesting next few days, I'm sure. Therapy is helping me deal with the reality, but I'm still angry and yes, hurt.

Meanwhile, my broken camera (by a church kid) continues to be an issue; the kid's parents are reluctant to take responsibility. I guess this repair will just be a charge that I "eat" myself. Ugly emails between Christians -- who'd-a-thunk-it? Oh, well. Maybe my jet lag from my travels and this unbearable heat are both getting to me. I need to make some plans to lighten up and/or do something wild and crazy.

I feel (yet again) that I am ultimately alone in this world, responsible for myself, and a priority to no one (maybe to my youngest, and even that, for only a mere few years more). I don't know if bliss is anywhere along the path before me any longer, if it ever was. So complacency with my lot in life, with whatever changes I can effect, seems to be the challenge before me now.