conflicted

I got an email from a friend asking for a recommendation to a marriage counselor. I don't know any personally, not in her area, so I can give her names but not my personal impressions or real information. I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to ask me; I'm sorry she and her husband have the need for counseling. I also feel disingenuous; she's one of the many that don't know my husband and I are also having problems, and he refuses (at this point, anyway) to go for counseling. I'm living a bit of a lie every day, and it's hard. I don't know what advice or response I want from friends, but so far I don't think I have gotten it. I need to get back into counseling myself -- I did it for 2003-2004 and 2004-2005 school years, just didn't resume it in the fall this school year.

My divorced friends are encouraging me to get a divorce, what to do, and I know they want me to benefit from all their hard-won experience. Some of my married friends want me to stay married, and be like them (validate their choice, so far?), and some of them even find ways to brag about their success in marriage. (I bet I used to be like that.) Some of my married friends are just concerned about me as an individual -- which is really nice and restful but then it takes me out of the context of my marriage and motherhood roles. No one knows what to do, but they all want to help. I don't even know what I wish they would do.

And my biggest enemy is me. Examining everything with the perfect 20/20 vision that is hindsight. If I had just said or done something different, we wouldn't be in the position we're in now. It's all my fault. It's not my fault. I want reconciliation. I don't want reconciliation. I can forgive. I cannot forgive. I'm wearing myself out just with the emotional trauma I'm in and the amount of time I spend thinking about this. Schoolwork is taking a distant back seat, and yet, somehow I'm coping. I do enough to get by (and I actually really like my classes this semester), but I'm disengaged too often. It seems all I want to do is sleep and eat, and that's not really helpful either. But speaking of that, I'd better get to bed now anyway. Early morning bible study tomorrow. My one Lenten discipline that I'm keeping and enjoying!