dead dog

Yesterday was tough, and today...and tomorrow... I took our 13-year-old mutt (some say black lab mix, some say blue tick hound) to be put to sleep. I am certain it was time, but of course it was not easy, and now I am second-guessing myself. She could not longer do stairs, her hips were going, and she was walking on her "knuckles" instead of her flat feet/paws (so it was not just in the hips). Also, it looked as though eating was difficult/painful for her. She was whimpering, so I know she was in pain....

I felt pretty alone in all this -- I couldn't call my mom, cuz she regarded the dog as a pain (one more responsibility for me, and responsible for most of the mess in my house) -- mom is a cat person. Other friends have never had pets and don't know what I'm going through. Others have pets who are not as much members of their family. No one is on my "same page" it seems, with their relationships with their pets. One friend asked if I were doing it for the dog's sake or my sake. Ouch. When we hurt the most, we feel the most alone (or at least that's been my experience). Why can't we be our best/kindest to one another then? Even me -- evaluating the responses of my friends and families before I decide whether to tell them or not?

The other alone-ness is of my own creating. I took the dog to the vet myself while the family is away. I'm hoping this will be a "gift" to hubby: that he won't have to face it when he returns. We have talked of doing this for about 2 months. It would have been hard for him.... Youngest is already to pick out our next dog -- oldest wanted the dog to see spring, and new green grass, which she now has... I'm second guessing myself as to how "well" I will present this to them and how "well" they will take it... Off to prayer group. This ought to help ease my pain at least a little.