need to get more regular

I need to be more intentional about this blog/diary. Life has been hectic, yes, but isn't everyone's? I found out today that my field ed supervisor expects me at church on Sunday, this week before classes have even begun. That's OK. I didn't have any other plans and was deciding where I would worship -- well, now that decision's been made for me. This new church will be where I will be worshipping every Sunday for the next 8 months or so. No problem.

My mother's brain tumor is back and bigger. She is having surgery (again) Sept. 15th and then is probably going to be placed into a new treatment protocol -- more uncomfortable than traditional treatment, but hopefully more effective, side effects unknown at this point. My mom the human guinea pig. She is in surprisingly good spirits about all this. The devil you know.... Now at least she knows what she's dealing with.

We spent the last week with her before school began because she says she doesn't want us there when she's uncomfortable and unattractive in the hospital. It'll be weird going to see her -- or trying to work out when I will get to go see her, now that I'm working every Sunday. Maybe Rosh Hashana or something -- no, I think that's the day after her surgery. Maybe Yom Kippur or NJ teachers convention days.... I'm sure my supervisor will be nice/understanding but I don't want to totally redefine (and stretch) my field ed program/hours.

We had one tense evening -- komm ihupps (sp?) -- when she thought I was mad at her because she wasn't making herself understood -- words are difficult for her now. I actually was mad at her because of her nasty personality streak, which she's had well before the brain cancer (like, always). But now I don't feel it's fair to argue with her (whether it ever was nice or not or the right thing to do -- arguing with your mother -- is another story), because she doesn't always understand what I'm saying and she can't always say back what she wants to. It's hard on both of us.

Dad is frustrated with trying to understand her, but he never was patient with her OR a good listener. I can usually predict where she's going when she starts a sentence (it gets worse the longer the sentence is), but I have been listening to her for years. I think it's the difference in the way men and women communicate in general. Also, Dad is petrified that he's going to lose her, and that was never in his plans. He assumed she would out-live him. He deals with his emotional uncertainty in anger. It's too bad it's usually directed at her.... Makes him come across as mean, and Mom, for the first time ever, seems vulnerable to me.

My kids and husband are driving me crazy with more regularity than usual. Maybe I am starting into menopause. I feel a lot less patient than I used to... First day of school this week for the kids and it's the first time I didn't bake cookies for when they came home. No one missed them. My first day of school next week coincides with Mom's surgery. It will be interesting if anyone in the house (but me) remembers anything remarkable about that day, when it comes. Ah, me and my high expectations!

I am looking forward to classes resuming, and I've had some fun sermon ideas, even helped plan a worship service this week for Presbytery and feel really comfortable navigating around the Bible (like last year's OT and NT classes are finally jelling), so here we go into Middler year! It's early, but I'm tired, so I guess I'm off to bed (9:45 on a Friday night?). Life is mellowing!