Perspective

There I was, thinking I was clinically depressed -- or that I should be -- due to the recurrence of my mom's brain cancer, on top of all the other crazy and out-of-control things in my life. But I find that I am coping, after all, and that I don't have to look very far to find significant pain in other people's lives...

I went to a friend's 44th birthday party on Wednesday night. This friend is a faithful and gifted and capable woman, yet she is having trouble finding a call (and getting honest feedback), and she lives with her 3 cats and takes anti-depressants. Another woman there had almost completed her first year of ordained ministry, and since I saw her at graduation last May, she had had a miscarriage, and lost her father to a seizure at the age of 57. Her husband has gotten off the ordained ministry track, and she is arguing with her senior pastor. She says of herself that she has had high high's and low low's this year. Another woman there was newly pregnant, after being told she could not conceive, and another is the mother of two special needs kids. Another woman couldn't make it to the party because her car had broken down. I was glad to spend time with these women. It made me feel alive, and I realized I wasn't spending days crying or lying in my bed in a dark room.

I don't mean for this to sound idiot-savant-like, oddly profound or amazingly stupid, but perhaps these obstacles we all face are what life is all about. I know the interruptions and crises of life have been defined before as "ministry," but it was helpful for me to have some perspective these week on my own problems. So I can thank God for my continued blessings, and ask for the strength to face the challenges.

I have talked to my mom (twice!) today. Her spirits sound good though her words elude her. We can still communicate, and it makes us both feel good. She sounds like herself, and that's restorative for me. I hope I sound enough like myself to bring some normalcy to her day.

Coping

My mother's brain cancer is back. The doctors had said a 60% recurrence rate; my friend the pathologist says the diagnosis of glioblastoma multiforme always comes back. The doctors say it's inoperable (without doing damage that would make her less than herself) and the scar tissue resulting from radiation would do the same thing. They are going to try an experimental chemo drug that may "arrest" the tumor (not sure shrinking the tumor is likely or possible). Mom and Dad have hunkered down upon hearing this news (and the 6-9 month window timeframe, otherwise) and seem to want to grieve alone. This leaves me relying on prayer and friends. I have not told my children (or their father) yet -- I am not sure I am strong enough -- and I'm not sure what to tell them. I'm hoping I will be kept updated by my folks as they pursue 2nd opinions and other options. I call and leave messages; they don't answer their phone or call me back. My mother sends the occasional email, but they are becoming less intelligible with alarming speed.

In other news, I hosted All Options Clergy Counseling on campus and brought in a certified trainer (UU Rev.) from Boston. I had my hand slapped by the Dean for not getting an invitation for this trainer from the President; we had a low turnout and the RCRC wanted me to cancel it. I probably should have. The day after the training, my therapist and I screwed up our appointment/calendars -- so I felt dissed by her and mad at myself for getting something wrong. The next day I argued with a campus security guard (bully) about temporary parking, and then I fell and sprained my ankle. Not sure if I believe in divine retribution and/or karma....

It seems I have high expectations of myself and my friends, and everyone (myself included) is consistently letting me down. Add to this the illness of my advisor's wife (hospitalized now), the demands of my school work (especially my thesis), the interview ("call") process and the many rejection letters I am receiving.... it's all bearing on being too much. I'm preaching three Sundays in a row (including Easter -- at a church which doesn't want to consider me to be their pastor because of my liberal views) and I am leading a women's retreat (on "healing" of all things!) -- maybe keeping busy is one good form of therapy.

Valleys

Living in a valley right now -- out of energy, a little bit concerned for my health, worn out at the end of finals. Now have to spend the break between semesters catching up on non-school-related tasks -- preparing a sermon to preach at Presbytery, preparing to lead a PW retreat, planning a Roe v. Wade worship service (should be held this week but as the campus is basically closed...we're doing it next week when classes resume -- the good news is that I have about 8 students assisting me with worship -- hope we have a good turnout -- often it turns out that we prepare worship for one another....), sewing/hemming, etc. Need to get the car worked on and get the kids and me to the dentist (to get us worked on). Need to prepare some stuff for Kenya for the folks who are going next month.

Have had some difficulty with friends as of late. One got a call to a church -- and I would have liked to have been happy for her, had she told me about it. She skipped my Christmas party (after RSVP'ing that she would come) and never called, and I never heard from her again. I know it's not all about me, but I do wonder if it's something I did. I can't imagine what....

Another friend has been complaining and worrying about her Presbytery for the years I've known her. I suggested she might switch. She seemed amenable to the idea. Then after I made inquiries and my Presbytery was looking forward to meeting her, she said I did too much too fast. No good deed goes unpunished. Why do I feel I have to fix everyone else's life? Why are their problems mine? It almost makes me not want to care. But if I care, how can I learn not to take action?

Another friend has a grown child (age 23) who had a minor drug issue this week. I am sensitive to the problem, I really am, and my heart aches for what this family is going through. My mistake today was sending a silly email attachment (youtube video) showing spiders exposed to drugs. The video got silly and my friend's child is not an addict or in trouble with the law, but my friend is mad at me for my insensitivity. I didn't think the spiders were anything like this kid that I've known for several years, so I didn't make the connection. But apparently I have a different perspective. Things like this make me question my call (and I'm having so much fun looking for one right now, too! Between finding a job, getting my oldest off to college, selling my house and contemplating divorce with my husband, it'll be a really challenging year!).

Oh, and the icing on the cake: my parents are visiting this week; they invited themselves as usual, but also as usual, they are using my house as a hotel so they can save some money on the drive to FL. It's not really that they want to see me -- maybe (hopefully) that is a fringe benefit. Oldest is going away on a class trip so won't see them -- they are not rushing down here a day early -- no modification of plans allowed.

It's late and I'm cranky. Tomorrow is another day.

Merry Christmas!

It actually was a Merry Christmas! (Shock and amazement!) My parents came for an overnight, and I was braced for the worst. It's been a difficult time for me since my separation from my husband, and I've been evaluating all my relationships with everyone. And my relationship with my parents was never a simple, easy one. And I have not felt supported by them since the separation. But I tried to overlook stuff and I think they were on their best behavior too, so I think it went well. Brevity being the key, of course.... Even got some presents from my brother (and a Christmas card!) which never happens before Christmas, if at all....

The kids and I head to Maine tomorrow for a 5-day 4-night holiday. We were trying to do something non-traditional on this first Christmas without the intact nuclear family, and not seeing their dad's side of the family at all.... My overwhelming feeling is one of RELIEF. I didn't send Christmas cards this year -- a task I normally enjoy -- and I didn't buy presents for the in-laws -- a task I normally abhor -- but I felt so free this fall with almost nothing hanging over my head. My "should" list got much smaller, and it was a nice break....

I'm still praying for my advisor's wife and her cancer treatment (chemotherapy begun this week -- ugh!) and thinking about my thesis. Need to pack now (books too?) to get ready for the long ride to Maine. It's raining now but should be nice tomorrow.... It will be a nice break to see some new scenery and change our routine -- sleeping in, dinners out, exercise (walking on the beach AND swimming in the indoor pool), maybe some hiking in the woods and milling about some small towns. Also want to see "Dream Girls" -- the movie looks great and it will be interesting to see how different it is from the Broadway show I saw 23 (?) years ago.

daily walk

Today I was taking my (almost-)daily walk around the neighborhood -- looking for the white squirrel, as usual, and thinking about my day and my life. I passed a black man also walking on the sidewalk -- there are not a lot of African Americans in this neighborhood. I think, perhaps to make me feel more comfortable, he pulled out his cell phone and made a call before he got to me. I, for my part, did not cross the street at the place I usually do, because I didn't want him to think I was crossing the street to get away from him. We smiled and nodded at one another as we passed -- we didn't really say hello because he was in the midst of his phone conversation. I think we were both sensitive to one another's feelings and potential fears in an almost-reverse-kind of racism.... I passed an older white man jogging. He did not say hello to me -- not sure if he was out of breath or just shy or unfriendly. I did say hi to him....but got no response. Further on around the block, I passed Edwin & Scamper's house. Scamper is a lovely bassett hound that likes to be petted over the side of his fence when he sees passers-by. Edwin, I learned today, is the name of his owner, and he had put a sign up saying something to the effect of, "Instead of worrying about my dog, why don't you get your own?" I can only surmise that many people look for Scamper to pet when they walk by, and when he's not there, they must ask questions of Edwin....? I dunno. I didn't see Scamper today, but did see the sign. It made me both angry and sad. I'm between dogs right now (my 13-year-old died last year) and I enjoyed petting Scamper when I passed by. I look for him every day, but I don't stop and ask where he is.... I know the sign wasn't directed at me personally, but it still hurt my feelings. There's a lot of feeling going on out there in the larger world. Sometimes it's a tough place to navigate....

Party/White Squirrel/Babysitting

I hosted a party this weekend -- invited 15 women for food and fellowship -- had 8 in attendance. It was nice with the 8, lots of intimate conversation, but 3 who RSVP'd "yes" forgot to come. 2 never RSVP'd, and 2 RSVP'd "no." So there you are. Once again I wrestle with how important I might be to how many people. Not very....not to be put on their calendars! I wrestle, too, with being graceful and forgiving -- "it's OK; I know you are busy and you have a lot on your mind..." -- and with being mad/feeling scorned -- and being worried about the missing folks being in danger on the road or having a family emergency or something....

There is an albino squirrel in our neighborhood. I have seen him/her 3 times (in the last 3 years) when I've been walking. I'm always amazed that this lack of camouflage has not shortened this squirrel's life.... Ghostlike, yet occasionally available for one who is searching.... I think the existence/reality/disappearance of this unusual squirrel could preach.....

Story-telling seminar tonight on campus. I was planning to go. Oldest now is going to a movie "for extra credit" (hmmmmm) so youngest may have to go with me, or I don't get to go.... It sucks to be me, upon occasion.

Moments

Just completed a midterm paper about time -- how it's a standard measurement and yet everyone's perceptions are different -- even one individual's perceptions of time shift -- from fast/slow during happy/sad times.... Yesterday, Weds. Nov. 15th, I had two moments -- one where I cried in therapy (a breakthrough for me!) about missing my husband and being sad about that, despite the fact that I think a divorce for us is a good thing and inevitable at this point -- and two where I twisted my right ankle on an uneven roadway while walking the dog we are sitting (ankle is sprained and swollen now -- also hurt my left knee in the fall). Two very different moments in time....with different/on-going repercussions....

Other thought that comes to me today (Thu. Nov. 16) is that it is the 30th anniversary of the Great American Smoke-Out, and I remember my high school friend, Susan Ann (Sunshine) Reynolds, who was always very charged up about running this campaign each year -- probably she was involved with the first one 30 years ago (I'm old enough!). The Sunshine went out of my life in 1980 -- kidney failure -- dead at 20, and we always used to joke (cuz we knew it in the way high school kids can know and name things) that she wouldn't live to 25. She died around this time of year too. I miss her.... I'm glad to think of her again on this day, the anniversary of a cause that was so important to her.... She was a good kid, and a good friend.

Saw James Cone lecture tonight on how the cross is similar to the lynching tree. Powerful imagery -- generated a lot of good discussion. Also saw my international friend and had the chance to say a quick hello....