Quiet, Please!

I'm at the hospital again overnight. It's a Wednesday, 2 days after the 4th of July. Hopefully no one will have an injury from a firecracker, or a backyard pool. It has just started raining, so now the roads are slicker.... (I moved my car to the overnight lot just in time!) Hopefully no one will feel the need to be out on the roads on a wet Wednesday night. The beeper has only gone off once today, a modified trauma to which I did not have to respond....

I have a few referrals I could do tonight, 1 family to put on the Roman Catholic communion list, a bible or two to deliver.... It would be glorious if I could stay in the on-call room and finish The Kite Runner, a kind of eery but compelling book. I also have made plans to be with a 50-yr-old patient who is here for observation for seizures -- she is on sleep deprivation and will be up all night....

Today in group we did our mid-term appraisals. I went first -- mine was 7 pgs. long. Can't wait to see what the final appraisal will look like. I raised some good points, said some good and honest things (and others less honest, but more polite), and my supervisor said (publicly) she wanted everyone else's to look like mine. She also said (privately) she wanted me to go first, cuz she knew mine would be good, and she wanted others to model theirs after mine. So that was nice -- some of the public and specific acknowledgement I am always seeking!

I have been thinking today of the seminary friend who wanted me to give her space. I called her twice before I left for this internship, and I sent her a postcard from here (this happened over the course of 6 weeks, at least, maybe not enough space for her, but maybe yes). After she got the postcard, she called my cell phone (which is never on when I'm in the hospital). She left a message that she'd like to talk to me -- she sounded like the same old friend she used to be -- and she wanted me to leave her times when I was free so that she could call me back. I called her back after several days went by (more than a week) and left her a message that my schedule is pretty crazy, but that she could reach me at my parents' house (I left the number) most evenings. I have not yet heard back from her. I want to call her again -- why is that?! What is that in me that I have this need to keep in touch?!

We discussed in individual supervision this week that maybe I am always trying to hang onto relationships because I was unable to hang onto my most primary formative relationship (my birth mother). Wow. What an eye-opening concept. Can't believe I didn't ever consider that before!

Also thinking about the seminary pal who is kind of not talking to me since I wrote a thank-you note in her journal. What is it with us women? Honestly!

On the home front, I have to say that my husband is bearing up admirably with me in another state. He took care of the kids well while I was gone (and they were still there) and he and I had a nice anniversary celebration (22 yrs!) a few weekends ago. He has written to me almost every day. He does get points for trying. And my kids have been really, really good. The cyclical nature of family life is so interesting -- the bad patches seem so long when you're in them, and then you realize you've had weeks/months of really good times. It's good to stay aware so you can appreciate the peaks and valleys.

OK, this is getting maudlin even to me. I think I will go and see some patients now, and hopefully also get some rest. My peers were praying for me to have a quiet night....