Can't Decide

What To Title This: So many things to write, so many swirling emotions.... This weekend was the NAPC (National Association of Presbyterian Clergywomen) conference -- celebrating 50 years of women's ordination as Ministers of Word and Sacrament; 75 years of women's ordination as Elders; 100 years of women's ordination as Deacons. Heard Eileen Lindner speak at plenary, and Susan Andrews speak at worship -- phenomenal, both of them! Helped my supervisor set up and prepare for a workshop she led -- also drove some attendees from the train station to the event. More busy-ness for me -- had time for little or none of it -- but did enjoy connecting with other Presbyterian women from around the country (even one from Germany) and having a break from my routine.

Husband and littlest home from North Carolina -- oldest home from Scotland. Had a Presbyterian woman friend here for the conference -- nice to spend some time with her and have a change of our routine -- which is necessarily changed/under re-evaluation since the absence of the dog. This is that same friend who made a remark previously mentioned about my choice to euthanize my dog -- she also is my only friend to have access to my blog. She is a good friend, but now I have hurt her feelings (if you're reading this -- you know who you are -- I'm sorry too!). We will get through this -- we've already talked on the phone about it.

In other news, another good friend has now told me I need to give her some space, leave her alone. All this because I call her weekly or every other week just to see how she's doing (she lives alone). And maybe because I wasn't "there for her"/sympathetic when she had angst about her required psych eval. I don't know if it's her life circumstance, a crisis of call, or something I've done, cuz she won't tell me. But at this point, I'm ready to give her as much space as she needs. Apparently she and I are not the good friends I thought we were. With me at the breaking point, she's a weight I can't bear, so I need to cut and run -- cut my losses and move on.

I did not pass my Hebrew exegesis ordination exam. Argh. I worked really hard on it and thought I did really well. I only have the sheet that says "U" -- unsatisfactory -- not the reason(s) why -- nor the graders' comments -- maybe it is an April Fool's joke -- cuz my ID # wasn't on it either.... So even though I took the exam in Feb., it feels like more excrement piled on me in a week already full of it....

What else? Worship today without my supervisor -- she was at the NAPC conference still. I played my flute again today -- only 2 songs -- and allegedly "did" the children's sermon. Turned out, though, the parish associate who was preaching had words in mind for me to say, and moves choreographed for me to do. I felt like a marionette (sp?) at the hands of another controlling woman in worship! Wow. A pattern....? This woman very rarely gets to lead worship, however, so I am glad to give her some room to lead/explore/perform.

OK, this is long enough -- have to get back to school work -- hubby and kids are gone to the shore for the afternoon, and I should take advantage of the free time to be dedicated to what I need to do alone, vs. stuff I could do while they were milling around. Later....